Sage's Birth

On Saturday the 26th Mitch took Sawyer to his parent’s house with him for the afternoon. I spent the afternoon cleaning and relaxing.  I laid down for a nap at about 5:00 in the evening but started having contractions that were about 90 seconds apart lasting 40 +/- seconds each.  I had a feeling that they would taper but informed my birth team and let them know I would keep them posted. I laid in bed for a while just watching the contractions.  I could see the muscles of my stomach move upward to the top of my uterus, tighten, and then move downward as they relaxed. It was absolutely fascinating. Soon I asked Mitch to bring home a hot dog and slurpee, to which he said he would bring a slurpee but we have hot dogs to make at home. I said okay and hung up the phone but ended up calling him back within 15 minutes to let him know I wasn’t sure I would have time to make a hot dog (he was on his way home) if this was the real deal and I wanted to ensure I had some food in my belly. Turns out, 7-11 was out of hot dogs so he came home with just a slurpee and we had time to make hot dogs at home.  After eating we decided to play in the yard with Sawyer. She was standing at the top of the stairs on our patio next to me when Mitch let the dogs out - and they slammed into her and knocked her down the stairs. She folded in half as she tumbled and hit her head before coming to a stop on the concrete. Instant tears and one of the biggest goose-eggs I’ve ever seen. We consoled her, checked her pupils, etc. before she continued to play in the yard. I thought we would for sure need to go to the hospital for her, but she’s a tough lady and checked all of our EMT boxes for being able to stay home and play. However, my contractions came to a stop. I told my midwife, Amy, about them stopping due to me going into mama mode for Sawyer - which as it turns out is not that uncommon.

It rained throughout the night, with a rare storm that moved from East to West rather than West to East. Mitch asked me in the middle of the night if I was hearing the intense thunder, as it had woken him up.  Something about thunder and lightning is so soothing to me when I’m trying to sleep. I settled back into bed and cuddled up with Sawyer as I fell back asleep. At 5:30 in the morning I woke up with contractions.  I laid there and listened to the storm and tried to just enjoy the peace I felt until about 6:00 am when I decided to start timing the contractions. They were coming every 2.5 minutes and lasting 45 +/- seconds each. I timed them for about an hour and woke Mitch up at 7 in the morning to let him know that it might be the real deal based on the timing of my contractions but I wasn’t in any pain and didn’t feel any sense of “labor.” I got out of bed and started laundry, picked up our living room, and did dishes as Mitch made us a breakfast of pancakes and eggs with coffee.  I had asked Amy earlier in the morning if we could come in sometime to have a cervical check to see if I was dilating at all, though I didn’t care how much - anything 1cm or more would make me happy because it meant that these contractions were productive, and to have a non-stress test to ensure Sage was handling everything well. We agreed to meet at 10am.

When we arrived to the birth center for the appointment we found that Sage was sounding perfect! Such a relief to know she was doing well.  I got undressed and laid down for my vaginal exam, expecting to maybe be 2 centimeters dilated. The first words out of Amy’s mouth were “Girl, you’re not going anywhere!” I was confused until she explained that I was 7 centimeters dilated, 80% effaced, with a bulging bag of waters, and Sage at 0 station. This was the real deal, I was in labor.  However, I wanted to go home and nap. So we left at 10:30am after promising to not leave the city and to come in immediately if my waters broke or anything changed with my labor because Amy thought she would come fast and furious if either of those things happened.

We first went to 7-11 for a Slurpee (can you tell I’m addicted?), to get some gas, and to put air in Mitch’s tire since he has a slow leak. While stopped we let our photographer know that she needed to make her way out to Tooele county, and let our families know that they also needed to make their way out. My biggest concern was if everything were to happen quickly that nobody would be here, especially my mom who I wanted in the room.  They all started to make their way out and Mitch’s family went to Applebee’s in town to get some food. We then went home and after about 15 minutes I started to feel extremely warm and like I needed to use the bathroom. My body emptied itself out, and I texted my birth team and family to let them know we are headed back to the birth center. I called my mom and told her she needed to come out as soon as possible, Mitch called his family and told them to get the food to go, and Morgan (our photographer) was already waiting at the birth center. My mom was about a 45 minute drive away, so I just kept hoping that nothing would happen for at least another hour.

At 11:20 we arrived back at the birth center. Less than an hour from our initial departure. I felt great, with no pain during contractions. We took our time setting up the light curtain I bought to hang near the tub, fill the tub, turn on music, etc. My mom showed up before I got into the tub, which was a huge weight off of my shoulders.

By 12:40 in the afternoon I was in the pool and transition had hit. It did not hit me hard and sudden like it did when I was in labor with Sawyer.  I could slowly start to feel the feelings of self doubt creep in, and for a while I was able to talk myself down from them by reminding myself that these feelings and thoughts are a part of the process and it meant I was in transition which is near the end. Then the feelings started to intensify, and I could feel myself panicking.  My midwives gave me homeopathic tablets like chamomile to help calm me, and a washcloth with lavender essential oil to breathe in. During transition with Sawyer I begged for death, and told Amy that Sawyer could die too because I was over it - I was terrified and exhausted. This time, I asked if I could just tap out and was trying my damndest to accept the fear I was feeling and breathe it out. Huge difference from the first time. I was laboring on my knees with my arms on the side of the tub and Mitch was behind me applying counter pressure to my hips and massaging my back. At 1:27 I asked him if I had the sacral purple line (it’s a dark purple line that runs from the anus to the top of the butt crack that indicates dilation based on how high from the anus it is) and he informed me that I did have it and it went all the way up.  It meant that I was fully dilated. Sawyer was in and out of the tub the entire time I was in it. I believe she jumped in with us three separate times. During transition she brought me a cool washcloth, asked if I was okay, etc. in between tub time and playing with family members in the other room.

At 2:10pm transition ended. I felt much more relaxed. My birth team let me know that what I was feeling is the calm before the commotion, and to try to enjoy it and relax as much as possible. I tried to focus in on Sage’s movements and soak them in, knowing the time I would feel us as one was coming to an end. I took some selfies with my mom and with Mitch, checked into my phone to try to relax, listened to music, and really just enjoyed this time.  I felt so at peace, I felt so good. I was handling the contractions well by focusing on relaxing my muscles through them as Mitch provided support. I still did not really feel like it was labor. This felt too easy, too calm, too comfortable. I was not in pain with contractions, and I could feel Sage slowly moving downward with each one. It felt like she was bungee jumping a bit, which I had mentioned, or like she was taking two steps forward and one step back. It was incredible being so in tune with my body and feeling it working with her to bring her closer to being Earthside.

At 3:50 we got out of the tub and attempted to take a nap in the bed. Ha! When people say that warm water is nature’s epidural they really aren’t joking. I couldn’t get comfortable laying down and my contractions felt much more intense and uncomfortable out of the water. I was going to attempt walking to the bathroom but I didn’t want to have any more contractions on land and also didn’t want to birth Sage in the hallway. We were back in the tub by 4:15.

At 4:30 I had Amy do another vaginal exam to see if she really was moving downward. I had a cervical lip and bulging bag of waters still. She offered to break my waters and move the cervical lip but since Sage had descended from 0 to +2 station (out of +4 stations) I declined.  My body was progressing, Sage sounded good, I trusted the process. I also knew I had a shot at having Sage en caul and I was not about to do anything to mess that up if that’s how she was meant to be birthed. If my waters broke naturally that was totally fine, but what had gotten me to this point was trusting the process and my body and Sage.

Sometime between 4:30 and 7:30pm Sawyer fell asleep in the other room. At first I was sad that she would miss the moment her sister would be born, but then I realized that she needed her rest too and labor is hard work for everyone.

I labored until 7:00pm when I requested that Mitch perform a vaginal exam. I didn’t know what I was feeling for and couldn’t get a good angle.  He did so, said that he could feel baby lower than earlier, and by the measurements of him showing the midwives how far up she was on his finger we found that she was at +3 station. One more to go, and that last station is crowning. During each contraction I would say things like “Come on baby, come on!” “We can do this!” “Come on baby, you can do this!” “We’re a team, I’m ready when you are!” and I would sob.  I have never felt such powerful emotion. Between contractions I could feel her kicks, and we were so close to her birth that I was overwhelmed with emotion. Sage is our last baby, so each kick I felt I knew could be the last. I knew I was minutes away from never being pregnant again. My body was doing an amazing thing and was so in tune with Sage as she did her part in birth. Sawyer was going to be a sister. Our family was about to be complete. I was finally going to meet the human I had bonded with over the last 39 weeks and 3 days. All of these thoughts consumed me, and it was one of the most beautiful moments of my entire life. I was mourning and celebrating all at once. I was preparing myself.

At 7:17 My waters broke. Whoa baby things instantly got more intense. Within one minute I felt the “ring of fire” and remember thinking and vocalizing that she was going to split me in two, that I was getting a fourth degree tear, that I was about to have rectal prolapse, etc. This was painful, and I wasn’t afraid to yell at this point. I could no longer relax but instead I pushed on the contraction to try to get through the pain.

At 7:22 Sage’s head was birthed. Mitch reached down and felt her head as she was between two worlds. I told him to stop moving her, and then Amy informed me that Sage was moving herself. She needed to rotate her shoulders for birth, and that’s what I was feeling.  Within 30 seconds of her head being birthed, I had another contraction. I pushed with my body, and could not have stopped if my life depended on it. She was born at 7:22pm. I caught her myself, and as I sat back into Mitch and pulled her to my chest all of the midwives reached for her. Suddenly Amy’s hands were unwrapping her umbilical cord from her neck, and it was wrapped around her little neck four times - a record for Amy. No wonder Sage took her time being birthed! I immediately got a shot of pitocin in my thigh to prevent hemorrhage since that was the issue I had with Sawyer. By 7:25 she cleared her own lungs. Bryanna, the other midwife in attendance, tried to apply traction to the placenta to birth it. She instructed me to bear down and push as she did so during contractions (contractions don’t end immediately after birth, surprise!) but I didn’t like the way it felt so I held Sage in one arm, grabbed the umbilical cord, and applied traction myself as I pushed during a contraction. Our heart shaped placenta was birthed immediately when I did it myself.

At 7:40 Mitch clamped the cord, and I cut it. He cut the cord for Sawyer so I wanted to do it for Sage. Those suckers are tough to cut through! Sage was officially separated from my body. I was again full of emotion. We then moved to the bed at 7:53 and much to my surprise I had zero tearing. I firmly believe it is because I listened to my body and Sage and trusted the process.

At 8:01 Sawyer came into the room from her nap and met her little sister for the first time. Everyone was in the room to see it. She seemed to easily acknowledge Sage, until we asked her to give Sage her binky. That was not okay, and Sawyer did not want Sage to have any pacifiers because she wanted them all. Sage then had her first bowel movement which was a blowout. It took a four man team to change her. Mitch changed both of our girls’ first diapers, but man, Sage’s was intense.

I was up and walking around at 9:52pm, feeling great! I was sore everywhere, but I wasn’t in pain and I still had enough energy to use the restroom (no peri bottle needed, score!) where Mitch literally helped me put on my diaper. I never thought we would have three in diapers under the same roof, but depends after birth are a game changer for the first few days.

10:02pm and Sage had her first latch. I was beyond relieved. I felt like a first time mom since after Sawyer was born she was separated from me pretty quickly and for quite a while so I didn’t get to nurse her for hours and I had lost so much blood that I never really produced milk. I felt a new sense of pride in my body when Sage latched and nursed for a bit. Not only did we work together for her birth but it reaffirmed my thought that we are a team and would continue working together for breastfeeding and beyond. I’m so blessed to have such an incredible team - I have never felt more complete than I do when I see my two daughters and Mitch together. Sawyer went to sleepover with Gammy Lesa, and Mitch, Sage, and myself were headed home by 10:52pm.

It’s SO nice to be able to sleep in your own bed right after birth. At some points during labor I was told to envision my happy place - and I envisioned my bed, ha! We slept so much better together and in the comfort of our own home than we did in the hospital after Sawyer. No uncomfortable couch beds, no worrying about being lectured for bed-sharing, no nurses coming in every two hours, etc.

Sage’s birth healed us, in more ways than we knew we needed.

Introducing

Sage Anthony

Born at 7:22pm on May 27th, 2018

5lbs 13oz & 19.5”

Three Months

Sawyer turned three months on February 7th, 2016!

She totally has her daddy's eyes.

Her first bonfire, in the below freezing winter temperatures.

Her pouty face kills me!

At three months old Sawyer..

Loves: bath time, being tickled, turkey noises, popping noises, playing airplane, her play mats, falling asleep in the rocking chair while listening to Eddie Vedder's Into the Wild soundtrack, and standing and sitting up assisted.

Hates: water on her face, being left completely alone with Dad, sitting in her car-seat while it's not moving, the short time between the bath and her towel.

Wears: 3-6 and 6 month clothing, size 1 shoes, size 2 diapers.

Eats/Sleeps: 4oz every 3-4 hours, and sleeps from about 10pm to 9am with one hour long nap and two thirty minute long naps during the day.

Quirks: She's a total morning person, loves to grab her toys and the hair of whoever is holding her, likes to fall asleep holding my hand, and is able to pull her pacifier out of her mouth and sometimes put it back in.

Milestones: Sawyer can now wear pigtails, she's rolled from her back to her tummy twice, she's started to laugh and she has started teething.

Two Months

Sawyer turned 2 months on January 7th, 2016!

Her first New Year's Kiss. :)

She really is the happiest baby I've ever met.  I couldn't feel more lucky to call her mine.  Her steel blue eyes melt me.

At two months old Sawyer..

Loves: her daddy's crazy hair, mornings (she didn't get that from me!), baths, playing TIE Fighter with her uncle Ryan and Grandpa Jim, hearing mommy say "good morning!" and "I love you!," Modest Mouse, Lorde, her swing, her two playmats, and car rides.

Hates: clothes, getting her hair dried after bath time, and sitting still.

Quirks: she has strawberry marks all over her body, when she wakes up she spends the first hour of the day smiling and cooing, she pouts when she doesn't want her binky but you try to give it to her anyway, and she's started drooling worse than our dogs!

Milestones: She can hold her head up completely unassisted, eats 3-4oz per feeding every 3+/- hours, goes to bed around 11pm and wakes up by 11am, can pull her binky out of her mouth and once in a while is able to put it back in, pulls hair, starts to hit her rattle toys intentionally, is starting to giggle, and fills out her 0-3 month clothing.

One Month

Sawyer turned one month old on December 7th!

 

Her first day of life.

Her second week of life and first holiday, Thanksgiving.

Her first photos with Santa! She landed herself on the naughty list by peeing all over him immediately after this photo!

At one month old Sawyer..

Loves: Modest Mouse, me singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, sleeping on her side, bath time, being naked or only in a diaper, us walking with her around the apartment looking at things.

Hates: poop in her diaper - I often have to start changing it before she's done going, yawning, being strapped in her carseat, her face being wiped off, her hair being dried after the bath.

Quirks: she hiccups 2-3 times daily, she's not phased by loud noises whatsoever, she often smiles in her sleep, she's gotten a strawberry mark on her foot, she's been in 0-3 month clothing since she was 3 weeks.

Milestones: She can hold her head up for about 30 seconds at a time, she can roll from her belly to her side, she eats about 2 to 3 ounces every two hours.

Sawyer's Birth

Mitch and I woke up on November 6^th, 2015 and dropped the dogs off at my mom's before going to Virg's, a diner, for breakfast. We sat through breakfast thinking about how weird it would be that it was hopefully the last day of our lives before being parents.  I was nervous and excited, and I think Mitch was still wondering what life would be like had we never gotten pregnant.  He’d never thought he wanted kids, but here we were, about to welcome our child into the world.  I had my first membrane sweep appointment at 11am. At the appointment I found out I was dilated to 5cm and 85% effaced. My midwives had me drink some cotton root bark to speed things up. After the sweep we saw Mitch's grandpa in parking lot. Sawyer wouldn’t be his first great-grandchild, but the first one close enough to him that he would get to see grow up.  He was over the moon, and it showed by him showing up at the birth center to see how things went.

               Afterward, Mitch and I went to the mall and wandered around and I had begun getting contractions, although they were still mild and spaced apart too much to really make note of so we then went to my mom's house. We only stayed for a little bit, to check on our dogs since we had dropped them off at her house from that day until we were ready to go home with our new baby, and to fill her in on what all was going on. 

               We had the next sweep at 3:30. I had dilated to 5.5cm but was stretchable to 7cm and 85-90% effaced since the last sweep. I got more cotton root bark, which is nasty, by the way.  I hadn’t had an alcoholic beverage in months but I knocked it back like a shot and it went down easy. 

               We saw Mitch's grandpa, his mom, Brandy, and sister, Charlie in parking lot.  After filling them in on my progress Mitch’s mom took us to an early dinner at Red Mermaid Bistro where Mitch’s brothers, Nathan and Ryan, met us. My contractions were still irregular and spaced too far apart to get excited about, but they were becoming more noticeable at this point. The whole day felt exciting, even though everything we were doing was completely normal.  After dinner Mitch and I went to Barnes and Noble since I was close to finishing the book I was reading and knew I wouldn’t have time after having Sawyer to go browse a bookstore but would want more books.   We sat and talked and read and drank coffee to kill time until my final sweep at 8pm. I had dilated to 8cm. My membranes couldn't be swept again since there was nothing left to sweep so I got more cotton root bark and was put on the breast pump to stimulate stronger and longer contractions. We were officially there until baby time. Contractions didn’t hurt at all and being dilated to 8cm I felt like the rest of labor would be a breeze – I was SO close!

We called and texted the family members we wanted to know and Jim, Brandy, Charlie, Ryan, Randy, Nathan, Faith, Lesa, Sierra, and Sky all showed up to wait in the waiting area. My doula Seanté and photographer Kelley also showed up. I bounced on my birth ball and Seanté and Mitch applied counter pressure during contractions. I also pumped to continue to stimulate contractions.  Seanté and Kelley spent their time taking pictures, applying counter pressure, and talking to one another and telling me stories of their children.  The contractions were starting to become uncomfortable and slightly painful, but still completely bearable.  When I was allowed into the tub the water felt amazing.  I love baths, and this bath was so deep! I immediately felt more comfortable and was able to laugh and talk as normal between contractions.

               After a few hours my midwives wanted to check my progress. I got out and had another vaginal exam only to find out that I had gone from 8cm to 7cm. The midwives suggested sending Kelley and Seanté away and just having Mitch with me for a while. They understand that if you’re not 100% comfortable with someone then your labor can stall and even regress.  The midwives and Mitch all agreed that they felt it would help my progress to send them away.  I agreed, because I have a tendency to want to be polite and put on a “hostess” role, and realized that I had done so over the last few hours.  Sending them away definitely helped me progress.  All of our family was downstairs, out of sight and mind and my midwives retreated to their office leaving Mitch and I alone in the birthing room to reestablish the feeling of intimacy and security.  Birth is such an intimate and vulnerable thing – and I needed to focus on the emotional connection to my partner and allow myself to become vulnerable.  We laid in bed and cuddled and talked for a while and it seemed to have done the trick because soon I was back in the bath and in active labor.

               I always assumed that active labor happens around 4cm for most women, since that’s when most hospitals will admit a woman – so having gotten to 8cm I felt like I had this whole childbirth thing in the bag.  Oh how wrong I was.  I had 'screaming' contractions for about 2 hours but the lip my cervix couldn't open over her head because she had a nuchal hand.  Google it.  Or don’t.  It’s basically when baby is in the birth canal and has their hand up by their head, causing the amount of space I needed to open up to be even greater to accommodate her hand.  We didn’t know that’s why she was temporarily stuck until after she had crowned and my midwives saw the hand. I wanted to die. I begged for death and even said I didn't care if she died too. I was unprepared to surrender to my body.  I was terrified of its power.  My contractions were all in my back, and so intense that I had a hard time breathing.  They started to stack on top of one another and I felt like I was in a SAW movie. I begged for a break that would last more than seconds.  Just a few minutes to catch my breath and prepare for the next contraction was all I wanted.  My midwives could tell that I was fighting my body, and I was afraid, so they offered me some nitrous oxide to help me calm down enough to breathe.  I gladly accepted it.  I didn’t feel any effect from it other than having to hold the mask to my face myself made me focus on breathing, which helped.  It did nothing for the pain. It was far and away the worst pain I had ever been through and the most intense thing I've put my body though.  Mitch kept trying to readjust his positioning, as he had been sitting in the tub behind me to help support me during contractions, and I wouldn’t let him.  In hindsight I can’t imagine being stuck in an awkward position for hours and not being allowed to move.  Poor guy. My midwives wanted me to push in the tub, and as I would push they would try to manually move the lip of my cervix over her head.  The pain was unbearable, although I was so glad to be pushing.  Pushing meant it was almost over, and I could help get it there.  It was way better than knowing I was in the most pain I’d ever felt and would have to continue to go through it for an unknown amount of time until my body and baby were ready to begin the pushing part of delivery.  There was an end in sight. 

               Eventually I was told to move out of the tub to the birth stool after pushing in the tub didn't do anything. The positioning on the birth stool would allow my pelvis to open more and give them more access to assist as needed. My midwives helped me over to it, and as Mitch stood up his legs gave out from being in one position for so long, and he fell onto one of the midwives and knocked the oxygen and nitrous tank over – although I didn’t know about it until afterwards. I started pushing on the stool, and was told to stop because her hand was by her face and I was about to tear pretty badly but I couldn't stop. My body no longer belonged to me.  I was no longer the pilot.  I felt no fear, just an instinctual urge to push so strong that I couldn’t think of anything other than pushing.  Minutes later she was in my arms. I had returned to my body. In that moment I was more overjoyed at the fact that I was done being in pain than I was to have my baby, but as I was moved to the bed to rest that feeling changed. I had done it.  She was here.  My perfect, squishy, warm baby was here.

               I had lost what I thought was a normal amount of blood during delivery.  Birth is messy, right? It’s normal to bleed enough to need more than one puppy training pad underneath me, right? Wrong. My midwives knew I lost a lot of blood, and since I had agreed to a Pitocin shot if needed after delivery they administered it.  I was still on the birth stool, Mitch was still supporting me from behind, and Sawyer was in my arms at the time of the shot.  Even with all I had been through at that moment I was still afraid of needles.  The fear never left. I drew strength from my baby to keep me calm while they gave me the shot in my left thigh.

               She was 9lbs., 2oz., and 23” tall.  Everyone had guessed she would have been 7 pounds and a few ounces, not only because I was a small baby, but I carried small.  Nobody guessed 9.  We let everyone that had stayed through the night come see her before I got stitched up, because after having her I was done with being in pain – and wanted to put being in any more pain off, so after about an hour of letting them see our baby we had them all step out so I could be stitched. My mom took Sawyer to the next room for us. Before being stitched I had to go pee, SO badly. Mitch and Amy, the midwife, helped me stand up from bed and started to walk with me to the bathroom. A few steps away from the bed I passed out and had a seizure. I felt like I was in a dream while seizing.  I knew I had started to pass out and they mentioned moving me to a chair behind me, but it felt like a dream.  I woke up to Mitch calling my name, with a worried look on his face.  I was put back to bed to rest after I answered a few basic questions to reestablish my level of consciousness. I was told to just wet the bed since I had to urinate, and that there were puppy pads on it, but I knew I couldn’t.  I had too much of a mental block to be able to. We tried to get me to the bathroom again a few minutes later and that time I didn't even get to the foot of the bed before passing out and seizing for the second time. I woke on lying sideways on the foot of the bed. It was then that we decided to call an ambulance to transport me to the hospital. I was delusional as the EMT’s carried me from the upstairs bedroom to the gurney waiting by the front door. I remember wanting them to know that I was also an EMT and had been carried in the sheet-like thing they used to carry me in, before – but I wanted them to know it wasn’t because I was accident prone or lonely and one of those people that calls 911 regularly, it was because I was one of them.  That’s how I know I was delusional.

               Mitch rode in the front of the ambulance and my mom drove my car with Sawyer.  They were the only two people that weren’t midwives left at the birth center – everyone else had gone home to get some rest after the 16 hour labor. Upon arrival at the hospital I had a glimpse of Brandy, Charlie, and Ryan running to catch up to the gurney - they had gone to breakfast when I had to be stitched up. Once in the labor and delivery room I only have flashes of memory. Sawyer was with my mom and Mitch’s family being evaluated in the NICU, though I just knew at the time that she was with my mom.  Later I found out that when the hospital had gotten a call about me coming in after just having my baby they had assumed that the baby would also need emergency care.  They were shocked at how big, pink, and healthy she was.  They put the newborn crash cart away.

               The doctors and nurses working on me wanted to give me fentanyl in my IV for the pain.  I refused and they asked why.    They seemed upset when I told them that fentanyl is what caused my dad to pass away almost nine years prior and asked how we could know.  Well, we won a lawsuit against Johnson and Johnson because of it, that’s how we know.  Later I found out the hospital staff was bad mouthing me and ridiculing my refusal to receive fentanyl out in the hallway – Mitch’s mom confronted them when she overheard and they shut right up.

               There were doctors and nurses grabbing my arms and legs for IV's and to check my bleeding and blood pressure and whatnot as I was screaming and crying. My body was not my own at this point. I have never felt more violated than when I had a nurse re-doing the IV that the EMT’s had placed in my right arm, another nurse was checking my blood pressure on the left arm, with a nurse right beside her to insert another IV as soon as she was done, in addition to the nurses and doctors spreading my legs and peering between them.  There was one female doctor, the male resident doctor, and a male student between my legs.  Mitch later described the scene as something he’d imagine would be in a torture porn video.  I was given morphine and Pitocin via my IV.  I was asking where Sawyer was and if she was okay, she was with family and doing well. My mom and Mitch took turns being with me, updating everyone, and being with Sawyer. I was asked by a nurse if I had a living will, and if I had any paperwork about a living will or DNR. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was a sign of how badly things were looking for me.  Mitch had picked up on it, but didn’t voice his concerns.  I was still able to answer and felt that it was standard practice to ask those things.  It wasn’t.  My blood pressure was about 70/40 – the lowest it had ever been. I was given an ultrasound to see if I had any clots or tissue left in my uterus, and I did.  They inserted the catheter, which was the least painful thing that I had been through in the past 24 hours.  Within minutes the bag full of my urine needed to be emptied and it needed to be emptied again within an hour.  I was amazed that I couldn’t feel myself peeing, and the nurse that emptied the first bag was amazed that I was able to hold so much urine.  The fact that I couldn’t just wet myself was the reason I landed in the hospital in the first place and the bumpy ambulance ride did nothing to help me pass the mental block and relieve myself.  The catheter had helped.

               Because of the clots still left inside of me I was given uterus massages every few minutes over the next two hours to push out the clots in my uterus. The pain was almost as bad as labor contractions, but I was so overwhelmed by everyone’s poking and prodding that I screamed and fought them.  I was screaming and crying the whole time. After a bit I was given Dilaudid and Ativan which helped with the anxiety I was feeling as the morphine wasn’t doing anything. I was defeated. I had no fight left in me. It took 45 minutes for the OB/GYN, resident Doctor, and student to stitch me up. I had a third degree tear. The OB/GYN had inspected me vaginally and rectally to make sure they didn’t miss anything and referred to my anus as “beefy” which made Mitch and I laugh for the first time that day. 

               After being stitched up there was one point where I told Mitch I needed my baby, so he left me alone to go get her. Five minutes had passed and he still hadn't returned with her. I called his cell phone, he didn't answer. I started to panic so I called my mom's cell phone, she didn't answer either. All I could think was that something had happened to Sawyer. I started having a breakdown when Mitch walked in. The nurses didn't want to let her in the room with me because she wasn't a patient. My mom fought them on it until she was in my arms. Eventually, after much negotiation, I was moved up to a Labor and Delivery recovery room. I told the doctors that I wouldn't stay if my baby couldn't stay with me, but their condition was that since she wasn't a patient I couldn't utilize the nurses or nursery for her and there had to be an adult over the age of 18 that wasn’t a patient (meaning me) with her around the clock.

               This made the evening difficult but we managed.  The whole night I had a nurse come in every two hours to reassess me. I was so glad that I hadn’t delivered Sawyer in the hospital – I couldn’t have handled all of the restrictions for longer than I had to.  My midwives treated me as if I were a person, and not just me, either.  They would talk directly to Mitch during appointments and ask if he had questions or concerns.  The hospital staff never did those things.  The nurses that were assigned to me throughout my overnight stay were pleasant, but still had their jobs to do and couldn’t give me a more personalized experience like my midwives had. 

               Even with how traumatic the experience was, I would do it all over again for my baby.  I had pushed myself further than I ever had before, and was able to see the true power of my body.  I had birthed my baby.

September

September was crazy!  

I got some maternity photos done by my longtime friend and amazing photographer, David Terry.  I honestly tear up every time I look at these photos.  It means so much to me to have a recent family photo and to have had the opportunity to document the last days of it just being Mitch, the dogs, and I.

Mitch and I took a babymoon trip to Long Beach, Washington.  It's become an annual thing for us to take the dogs to Long Beach.  I've never seen them happier than being able to run free and far in the sand chasing seagulls and playing in the waves.  I'm so glad we were able to go because it was the last trip that we took as a little family of four.  The 15 hour drive was easier than I thought it would be for me being 31 weeks pregnant.  Mitch did most of the driving, which helped. The hotel we stayed at had a wonderful restaurant so we were able to leave the dogs in the room for a few hours and have a romantic dinner together - I don't know if we've ever had such a nice dinner out together.   While we were there my brother in law proposed to his longtime girlfriend on their trip to Seattle.  I'm so excited to be gaining her as a sister-in-law, and I am so happy for them as a couple! I can't wait for their wedding this spring/summer. :)

Then Mitch and I moved out! We got the call saying we were approved for our apartment while we were in Long Beach. We now live in Herriman, which is SO far from everything - but cheap, and the apartment we live in is two bedrooms and two bathrooms with updated appliances, a washer and dryer, and vaulted ceilings.  It's wonderful not only having our own space but having a nursery for our little Soybean when she gets here.

After moving and our babymoon, we celebrated Mitch's 25th birthday at Oktoberfest.  This was our third year of celebrating his birthday at Oktoberfest and each year gets better and better.  Mitch drank over 1.5 gallons of beer - and was still able to walk himself to the car at the end!  I had about as much fun as he did, even though I couldn't drink.

At the end of the month I had the baby shower that his mom and sister hosted while Mitch went to Escalante with his cousin, Colby.  It was perfect.  They had it pumpkin themed and not only had the cutest decorations, but had the best desserts!  I am so sad that I didn't get pictures!  It was such a special experience getting to hear the parenting "fail" stories all of the moms that attended had, because it made me realize that no mom is perfect.  I didn't think that they were beforehand, but some of the stories I heard genuinely surprised me - and it made all of these women from different backgrounds with different parenting styles seem so much more relate-able to me.

Now we just finish getting the last few things we need for the baby and wait for her to arrive!  I'm one week away from being full term, so she's welcome to come anytime between the next 7 and 45 days.  I can't believe how fast time has flown, and am so absolutely terrified and excited to meet her. :)

August

August has been nothing but preparations and celebrations.

I had the Allen baby shower at my Grammy's house.  This is her first great-grandchild and she is over the moon excited!  She had just gotten back from a cruise through some fjords in northern Europe and had my aunt, Heather, and her three kids staying with her and still hosted the baby shower.  She made the best chicken salad sandwiches ever, and also had the yummiest vanilla and raspberry cake.  My aunt Candy did all of the decorations and she has a real talent for it.  It was a relatively small shower, my aunts and girl cousins on that side of the family were there and so was my Gramps's sister and my Grammy's sister in-law.  My little sister didn't show up.  She was busy being a butthole and refused to come - but she missed out.

I bought myself a mom-mobile.  A 2005 Mercury Mariner that I paid about $3,500 for.  It's in awesome condition and not only will fit Mitch, the dogs, a carseat, and myself, but it has air conditioning! AND it's quiet!  I can actually hear Mitch when we're talking in the car while driving!  We're taking it up to Long Beach, Washington this weekend for our baby-moon. :)

I have officially changed my last name to Smith, which feels really good.  I thought I would mourn my maiden name more since I liked it so much, but it's nice to have the same last name as my husband.  Bonus: I can now do cutesy wreaths and stuff that say "The Smiths" hahaha.

We've started seeing midwives at the birthing center that we're going to be delivering at and I have my final appointment with my OB/GYN tomorrow.  I love my OB/GYN but I do NOT want to deliver at the hospital I would deliver at if I stayed with her - and I want a natural birth so we are withdrawing care.  I've already learned so much from my midwives and I feel really comfortable at the birth center.  A lot of people think I'm nuts, but I really feel that this is the best decision for me and my family.

Mitch and I found a place to live and are just waiting to hear back about whether or not we're approved for the place.  It's not at all where we wanted to be originally, but the area is nice and the rent is cheaper so we're compromising. :)

We finally opened up his etsy shop, Strange Grain Woodworks!  We even made a sale! I'm so incredibly proud of him for pursuing this, and I LOVE that me spending countless hours on etsy has paid off because now I am able to run his etsy shop.  I just hope that we keep gaining momentum.

And I had the baby shower my mom hosted. I requested it to be book themed and she made the cutest appetizer menu to go with books.  For dinner we had a BBQ and I wanted to cry because the food was great but Sawyer was pressing on my stomach so I couldn't eat much.  My aunt Cherise and cousin Misha stayed with us for the weekend of the shower, and my grandparents had my godmother Carol and uncle Chuck stay with them so they all came to the shower, as did my sort of great-grandparents Shirley and Merlin, my cousin Audrey and her friend Lexi, and my immediate family plus Mitch.  It was very nice and relaxed. :)

Oh, and I turned 22! I almost forgot that one!  Mitch and I went and saw Straight Outta Compton, went to his work barbecue, and went to Red Lobster with my family. He got me some hammocks that I can't wait to test out and a 3D Ultrasound to see Sawyer.  Funny thing:  She's stubborn like me because we have our third re-do appointment tomorrow since she would NOT show her face to us the other three appointments and we tried everything, but she's just like her dad in the sense that she has absolutely no problem showing us that she is, in fact, a she. Ha!  We did get a glimpse of her nose and she totally has Mitch's nose, and a full head of hair.  Hopefully she cooperates tomorrow! :)